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 FEBRUARY

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, " Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me? "

Martha replied, " Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons’?"

Martha said, " The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that, "said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for President of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?"

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1st Day Back at School In Birmingham,UK

  Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham, UK.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

 "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?"    "Here."

 "Achmed El Kabul?"        "Here."

 "Fatima Al Hayek? "        "Here."

 "Ali Abdul Olmi?"            "Here."

 "Mohammed Bin Kadir?"   "Here."

 "Ali Son al Len”                 Silence in the classroom.

 "Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

  She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"

  A girl arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.   It's pronounced Alyson Allen.

 

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An older couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances living arrangements and so on.

 Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

 "How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently "she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses then leaned over towards her and whispered.

"Is that one word or two?"

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In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

 

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.                                    

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.                        

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the

Gate.                                

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.                                                                                                                                                                    

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven."                                                                                                    

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?                              

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”                                                                                                                                       

"You must be joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.                                 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.                                 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here ...                                  

Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"                                                                

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Subject: How it works

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE.”

HE SAID, “NO.”

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES DAUGHTER.”

HE SAID, "Oh YES”

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON,”

BILL GATES SAID, “NO"

I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE C.E.O. OF WORLD BANK.”

BILL GATES SAID, “OK"

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CE.O.

HE SAID, “NO"

I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES SON-IN-LAW”

HE SAID, "Oh OK”

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

 

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A couple who perform in a travelling circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.

The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is  something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 "1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question, gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, he stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me…"

The badly shaken passenger apologised to the driver, he said "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault, today is my very first day driving a cab."

"I've been driving a hearse for 25 years..."

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